Most people are at least vaguely familiar with the concept of open relationships. What typically comes to mind is a last-ditch, Hail Mary play to save a failing train wreck of a relationship. Or perhaps keeping a dating relationship open seems like a convenient side-step for the intimacy-avoidant and commitment-averse. While most stereotypes have a grain of truth, these ideas continue to damage the acceptance of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Done right, these relationships can be every bit as solid and secure as their conventional monogamous counterparts.
Open relationships fall under the umbrella of ENM, however not all ENM relationships are considered open. The world of ENM is vast and includes swinging, polyamory, kink/BDSM, and sex workers. Open relationships are usually a more traditional dyad where one or both partners may have additional sexual and/or romantic partners. Relationships can be open from the start, or with work, previously monogamous relationships can become open.
Unfortunately, it’s really easy to misjudge the amount of work involved in creating a healthy and sustainable relationship. Far from solving relational issues, opening a relationship will only exacerbate already existing problems. Adding additional people to the fold only increases the necessity for boundaries, communication, and transparency. Before you and your partner take the plunge, consider these four things to know about being in an open relationship.
1. Have the Hard Conversations Up Front
Just thinking about broaching the topic of opening a relationship is enough to discourage many couples from ever exploring ENM. Rest assured, it’s only the first of many awkward and difficult conversations you and your partner will need to tackle. Open relationships are certainly not for the faint of heart or those who shy away from honest and vulnerable communication. Deciding that you’re interested in an open relationship opens the door to discussing exactly what that means.
You’ll need to discuss how open your relationship actually is. Do partners need to ask permission or simply let each other know what they are doing? Is anyone fair game as a potential partner? How much time and energy can you allot to dating and additional partners? Will you only allow hookups with strangers or the occasional “free pass?” Or is legitimate dating and deeper, intimate, long-term connections with others on the table?
This is by no means a comprehensive list of topics that should be discussed before bringing additional people into your relationship. Having these conversations upfront ensures everyone is on the same page. It lessens the chance for future communication breakdowns, boundary violations, and hurt feelings. Never make assumptions about how a partner feels and be sure you clearly understand your own positions. When in doubt, always err on the side of over-talking.
2. Talk About Boundaries
Physical boundaries will need to be addressed to ensure the safety and health of everyone involved. What are your rules for safe sex, birth control, and STI testing? Is any sex allowed or are only certain lower-risk behaviors tolerated? These seem like common sense, but you may be surprised how differently you and your partner view certain behaviors and activities.
Emotional boundaries are just as important in protecting physical health and well-being. Monogamous relationships tend to be structured to maximize a sense of security and minimize (or entirely eliminate) outside threats. In ENM, the question is not “Will someone get jealous?” Instead, work to understand what situations are threatening or feel unsafe for you or your partner. Talk through possible ways to handle these situations. Aim to find healthy and productive ways to navigate difficult emotions when they arise.
3. Negotiate Your Agreement
A best practice for ENM relationships is to put together a relationship agreement. This will be a compilation of your agreed-upon needs, boundaries, and expectations. The agreement can be long or short, depending on your relationship needs. However, the more detailed and specific you and your partner can get the better. Leaving things unclear or open to interpretation is a recipe for broken trust and disappointments.
Talking through an agreement is great, but it can also be challenging to keep so many rules top of mind. This is especially true if at some point you are managing multiple agreements for multiple relationships! Putting relationship agreements in writing may seem a bit rote, but it allows for a thorough review and easy future referral. You have a much better chance to ensure clarity when you have everything in front of you in black and white.
As you and your partner road-test your relationship agreement, you will inevitably find things that need to be added, removed, or revised. There will invariably be issues and scenarios that you didn’t account for as you continue to have new relationship experiences. Additionally, agreements that worked when first opening your relationship may not be applicable six months or six years down the line. Just as relationships evolve with time, let your conversations and agreements grow with you.
4. Expect to Flounder
Go ahead and just brace for impact. There are incredible highs as you and your partner delve into ENM. There is nothing like new relationship energy (NRE) or your first experience with compersion (jealousy’s opposite). Concurrently, you can also expect to encounter conflicts, communication breakdowns, jealousy, and insecurity. It all goes part and parcel in this complete shift in relational models.
Putting in sincere and thorough prep work with your partner is a great start. But ultimately, only time and lived experience will determine what translates to real-life applicability. Simple things, like missed check-ins and scheduling blunders, can turn out to be major stumbling blocks. And some of your biggest fears and insecurities might actually be nothing more than bogeymen. Like life in general, transitioning to non-monogamy is a lot of trial, error, and trying again.
It’s unrealistic to think obstacles are fully avoidable. Instead, hone your abilities to better resolve conflict when it does arise. Get well acquainted with meeting troubles head-on with an open heart and open mind. Learn to be a better listener and become an expert in the art of repair. Remember you and your partner are first and foremost a team. Relationships take work, and open relationships will really make you work for them.
There are as many different ways to practice ENM as there are people practicing it. Be thorough in your communication. Set healthy boundaries and be aware of you and your partner’s needs and expectations. Be willing to get comfortable with navigating conflict and repair. There’s no wrong way to structure your relationship, as long as you feel safe, secure, and seen within it.